18.07.23 - Oatmeal Brain Hours

a pair of Italian Greyhound dogs looking at a bubble judgmentally

Well, I'm home from vacation. Got to spend it with my significant other, which was nice, and ate some amazing food and saw some family for the first time in awhile. I also had some of the worst mental health days that I've had in a long, long time. At this point, I'm not sure WHAT it is - anxiety? ADHD? autism? depression? - but I had a lot of high stress moments. I panicked over really insignificant things, in hindsight.

The FIRST tent had the wrong pieces.

The second tent was really small compared to the air mattress.

Oh, and we couldn't sleep in it the first night, having already set it up, because a storm was going to roll in.

Someone tried to help me do the dishes, which I saw as me being unable to do it myself.

I THOUGHT about my mom being mad at me.

My mom DID get mad at me for being uneasy about sleeping in the garage during a major thunderstorm.

My mom was again mad at me for being uneasy about making a 2+ hour drive home and not wanting to speed.

I don't know why I see all of these small issues as big deals. I mean, yeah, some of them were about safety, but others were just silly to be upset about. I was really anxious about my driving exam, too, because I'd missed out on a LOT of practice despite basically begging people for ANYTHING for months.

So I went into my driver's test blind on Monday. And failed during the parking section. Didn't even get to go on the actual road. $70 down the drain, just like that. I know a lot of people fail their drivers' exams - but it kind of broke me. I'm 22. I took driver's ed when I was 15. And I still don't have my license. I really should have it when I move up to school later in August, but the task just seems so daunting now. I plan on really hitting it hard now so I can reschedule, but even so, that little voice in the back of my mind keeps casting doubt.

Everyone says to just believe in myself, to not be so hard on myself like I tend to be. It's much easier said than done, though. Believe me, I've TRIED telling myself that it's okay to fail, that nobody will be disappointed in me. I wish I had an answer as to why my self esteem is as low as it is and the expectations I place on myself are as high as they are. It's out there somewhere in my subconscious I assume.

I guess that's enough of my mentally ill rambling for one blog post.

Until next time, gamers.

screencap of a person standing in a corner, taken from The Blair Witch Project