My Tommortal

TomSka/YouTube RPF Parody fic

14 August 2023

22,174 words


Many moons ago, Tom lamented a lack of fanfic about himself.
He should have been careful about what he wished for.
AKA, I rewrite the entirety of the infamous 'My Immortal', but with TomSka and Friends.

MAJOR NOTE: This is parody. Very, very tongue-in-cheek parody. All slurs have been changed to inoffensive terms (the original is VERY mid 2000s), pronouns have been altered, and references to suicide and self harm have been changed. Even if it's a parody, I don't wanna hurt too many feelings.

The premise was devised while I was very sleep deprived and possibly a bit hungover. Reader's discretion advised.

I mean no offense to the real people involved and will absolutely remove this at request.

Chapters 1 to 5: The Shitpostery Begins

Chapter 1.

AN: tysm 2 my bf (only a little homo) eddie, skankinusa420 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Charlie ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! RBF ROX!



Hi my name is Tom Rud'Boy Checkers Kalnoky Ska and I have short brown hair (that’s not how I got my name) with blue streaks and blue tips that is spiked up really cool and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Guy Fieri (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Tomas Kalnoky but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a wizard and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a rudeboy (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly checkers. I love Zumiez and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a Reel Big Fish tee shirt with a cool Hawaiian shirt and some jorts, Rick and Morty socks and checkered Vans. I wasn't wearing any makeup. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of normies stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Tom!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Elliot Gough!

“What’s up Elliot?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me tysm!

Chapter 2.

AN: tysm 2 skankinusa420 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW normies stop flaming ma story ok!


The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was black and white checker print. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant RBF t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a Planet Smashers tee shirt, a chain necklace, black Vans and different jorts on. I put on no pairs of earrings in my unpierced ears, and spiked my hair in a kind of cool way.

My friend, Bandit (AN: eddie dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his short messy brown hair with red streaks and opened his ocean-blue eyes. He put on his Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt with blue jeans, regular socks and those shoes that every dad wears ever. We put on no makeup.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Elliot Gough yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Elliot?” he asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Elliot walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Less than Jake are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love LTJ. They are my favorite band, besides RBF.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY NORMIEZ OK! odderwize tysm 2 da ska ppl 4 da good reveiws! TYSM AGEN EDDIE! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Less Htan Jake.


On the night of the concert I put on my checkered Vans with black laces. Underneath them were novelty socks. Then I put on different jorts with a bunch of pockets and stuff. I put on a checkered belt. I spiked my hair more and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I took my antidepressants that I forgor. I read a steven universe comic while I waited for them to kick in and I listened to some LTJ. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of nice cologne. Then I put on some chapstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I don't really wear makeup. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Elliot was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Mighty Mighty Bosstones t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Elliot!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Tom.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 42069) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Less Than Jake and Goldfinger. We both smoked weed and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Less Than Jake.

“Do you know about her strength in convictions
Or how she puts all her faith in religion?
Did we take the time to really discover
How little we know about each other?
.” sang Chris(I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Chris is so fucking hot.” I said to Elliot, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Elliot looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Elliot sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Chris and he’s going out with his wife probably. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly insert-hair-color-here face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Elliot. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Roger and Chris for their autographs and photos with them. We got LTJ concert tees. Elliot and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Elliot didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok Tom’s name is TOM nut mary su OK! Elliot IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!


“Elliot!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Elliot didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Tom?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Elliot leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Elliot kissed me passionately. Elliot climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my jorts. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….


It was…………………………………………………….Bing!

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a normie or a posr! Da only reson Bnig swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!


Bing made and Elliot and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Elliot comforted me. When we went back to the castle Bing took us to Professor Paul and Professor Dungate who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor Dungate.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Paul.

And then Elliot shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Bing and Professor Dungate still looked mad but Professor Paul said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Elliot and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Tom?” Elliot asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the boy’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into literally just another t-shirt and sweatpants. When I came out….

Elliot was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘the science of selling yourself short’ by Less Than Jake. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Chapters 6 to 10: In Which Things Get Much More Convoluted

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!


The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on jorts that were all ripped around the cuffs and an ironic Rick and Morty tee and Vans that were black. I put on no pairs of skull earrings, and no crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with blue.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with messy brown hair with no streaks in it. He was wearing no eyeliner that I was very nonexistent and he was wearing no lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Elliot’s and there was no scar on his forhead. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like himself. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a virgin so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Chris Kendall, although most people call me Crabstickz these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the idea of being lolrandom funny.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a comedian.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Elliot came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Tom isn’t a Marie Sue ok he isn’t perfect HES A SATANITS! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!


Elliot and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing blak and white chekerbaords on my nails (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Crabstickz. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Elliot. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Elliot. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my jorts and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Elliot, Elliot!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Elliot’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Crabstickz!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Elliot pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have cooties anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Elliot ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Crabstickz’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Sammy Paul and some other people.

“Crabstickz Kendall, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a normie!


Everyone in the class stared at me and then Elliot came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Tom, it’s not what you think!” Elliot screamed sadly.

My friend B’loody Matt Smith smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his mid-length brown hair and opened his crimson eyes like blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin that he was wearing no makeup on. Matt was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed his mother and his father died because he was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real last name is Smith and not Ley. (Since he has converted to Satanism he is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Sammy Paul demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Crabstickz, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Elliot!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Tom was so mad at me. I had went out with Crabstickz (I’m bi and so is Tom) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was a rudeboy. (Haha, like I would hang out with a normie.)

“But I’m not going out with Elliot anymore!” said Crabstickz.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Elliot and then I started to bust into tears.

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if bing swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson Sammy Paul dosent lik chris now is coz hes christian and Crabstickz is a satanist! RBF ROX!


I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Elliot for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Elliot.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Bazinga!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Tom.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Crabstickz Kendall!”

I thought about Crabstickz and his sexah eyes and his gothic brown hair and how his face looks just like his own. I remembered that Elliot had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Elliot went out with Crabstickz before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Elliot!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-silly look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Crabstickz, then thou know what will happen to Elliot!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Elliot came into the woods.

“Elliot!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing no foundation and no eyeliner kind of like a cross (there is no joke) between Aaron Barrett and Tomas Kalnoky.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u hetties if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out B'Loody Matt isn’t a muggle afert al n he n Crabstickz r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!


I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my third-wave ska punk band Checkered Skanking Funtime 420. I am the lead singer of it and I play bass. People say that we sound like a cross between LTJ, The Specials and RBF. The other people in the band are B'Loody Matt, Crabstickz, Elliot, Ben (although we call him Wonchop now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Dan Layton. Only today Elliot and Crabstickz were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Elliot was probably crying a lot (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Crabstickz was probably watching a depressing movie like 17 Again. I put on a sleeveless hoodie that showed off my arms and some athletic shorts that were never used for exercise. You might think I’m an athlete but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Super Rad!’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Tom! Are you OK?” B'Loody Matt asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Crabstickz! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Elliot. But if I don’t kill Crabstickz, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Elliot!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Elliot jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Elliot started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Bing walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Tom Elliot has been found in his room. He is dead by cry so much.”

Chapter End Notes

I really kept Voldemort as himself because honestly I couldn't imagine a funnier character to stay the same

Chapters 11 to 15: Tom Rud'Boy Checkers Kalnoky Ska Experiences Interpersonal Conflict

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up normiez! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw tysm 2 ma frend eddie 4 hleping me!


“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'Loody Matt tried to comfort me but I told him fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Bing chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a weirdo that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I ate a just fuck it. It got all over my clothes so I took them off and sat on my sofa angrily while I put on a Catch-22 song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my mouth to eat. I was so fucking depressed! I got off of the sofa and put on another generic rudeboy outfit sandly. I put on my Vans and no pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Sammy Paul was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Mike Trooman was laughing at it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING MEANIES, STOP LOOKING AT ME EAT! ARE YOU WEIRDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed closing the curtains with a picture of Aimee Interrupter on it. Suddenly Crabstickz ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Sammy Paul and Mike Trooman pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Sammy Paul and Mike Trooman a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Byng ran in. “Tom, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Sammy Paul and Mike Trooman and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Dan Layton ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Dan Layton? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Dan Layton paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Sammy Paul said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Byng’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Mike Trooman held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Mike Trooman said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Dan Layton said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a ska version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re a rudeboy?” Sammy Paul asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok Dan Layton is a weirdo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus Dan Layton isn’t really in luv wif Tom dat was Jirard the Pizza Guy ok!


I was about to make another just fuck it with the silver knife that Eliot had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS DAn Layton but it was Crabstickz. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into a 69!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Wonchop changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the 69! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Elliot…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my tummyacke. Sammy Paul and Mike Trooman and DAMIL AYTYN were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were weirdos and you can’t have those fucking meanies teaching in a school with lots of dudes who like food. Bing had constipated the cideo camera they took of me eating. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Dan Layton came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Tom I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up normies like you.” I snapped. Dan Layton had been mean to me before for being a rudeboy.

“No Tom.” Dan Layton says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they rudeboys too you poser normie?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a nikocado avocado mukbang video made from your dinner and being vued by Snap and Mike Trooman.” Who MADED FUN OF(c is dat speld rong) it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s just some words.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Whotheef killium misterio bernicle(4 all u cool video essay fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for eddie I love you bro!)overthinkicus cartoonium!”

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a normie.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Elliot?”

Dan Layton rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Tomm,” Bingsaid, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Dan Layton yelled. BINg lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Dann Layton stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof bingg!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on another t-shirt that was all ripped on the ends. There was some random stains on the front. Then I put on khaki shorts and different Vans with pictures of Terry Hall on them. I put my hair all spiky so I looked like Guy Fieri from Diners Drive Ins and Dives (if u don’t know who he iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on no lipstick, no black eyeliner and no lip gloss.

“You look kawai, girl.” B'Loody Matt said sadly. “Tysm (there is no joke) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I took some more antidepressants feeling totally depressed and I drank some choccy milk. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Sammy Paul and Mike Trooman couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Crabstickz was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Elliot had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Elliot. He was being mean to a Hufflepuff.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Chris had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Elliots. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor Dongate who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Crabstickz you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Elliot!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Wonchop changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Elliot…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”




Chapter 13.

AN: eddie tysm 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of tomas but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!


Crabstickz and I ran up the stairs looking for Bing. We were so scared.

“Bing Bingy!” we both yelled. Bing came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

“Volsemort has Elliot!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Elliot!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Elliot. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Tom.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Crabstickz started crying. “My Elliot!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt’s lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”
It was……………………………….. Voldemort!

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off NORMIEZ ok! eddie tysm 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I fell of my razr scooter:(. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!



We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who killed Jirard the Pizza Guy was. Elliot was there crying tears of blood. Squidge was torturing him. Crabstickz and I ran in front of Squidge.

“Rid my sight you despicable normies!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “TomIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (in dis he is human so hes not a dog ok)

“Huh?” I asked.
”Tim I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Squidge. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Squidge what art thou doing?” called Voldemort. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Crabstickz went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Elliot taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and normies here except for B'Loody Matt, because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the normies anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Elliot.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Sammy Paul and Mike Trooman took a video of me while i made the obanation known as a just fuck it. Dan Layton says he’s in love with me. Crabstickz likes me and now even Squidge is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Elliot! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less handome?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory tom isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes hansom) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.

Chapter 15.

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona cry! tysm 2 eddie 4 hlpein!


“Tom Tom!” shouted Elliot sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Crabstickz!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Reese Roper on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Elliot and Crabstickz. I started to cry and weep. I took a litre of dr. pepper from my fridge. I drank the dr. pepper all depressed. Then I looked at my black RBF watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

I put on a Skatune network t-shirt that was super cool. Over that I put on a checkered button down shirt with black lapels and jorts and checkered Vans. I put my spiky brown hair more spoky. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black bass. Suddenly the bass turned to Elliot!

“Tim I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker normies and posers fink. Ur da most hansom guy in the world. Before I met you I used to want to cry in the bath all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “Al My Best Friens Are Metalheads” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Chris was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and swanky and sexxy like a cross between Tomas, Chris, Aaron, Reese and Ryan Alded (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking normies stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Elliot’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Scarlet O’Donnell (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and Mike O’Donnell in 17 Again. Then we went away holding hands. Mike Trooman shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that RBF would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

Chapter End Notes

I love listing random ska frontmen who look nothing alike and saying they would make a sexy man if they combined

Chapters 16 to 20: Tom & Co See Some Extraordinarily Large Osteichthyes

Chapter 16.

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! eddie u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! eddie wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW tysm 2 smashmouth1997 4 techin muh japnese!


We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where LTJ had played. We ran in happly. RBF were there playing ‘Sell Out’. I was so fucking happy! Aaron looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Elliot thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a green floral hawaiian shirt and Reel Big Fish t-shirt and jorts and checkered Vans. Elliot was wearing a black baggy RBF t-shirt and black skinny jeans. Anyway, we stated skanking to Sell Out. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Aaron pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

“Wtf Elliot im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its RBF n u no how much I lik them”

“What cause we…you know…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Elliot promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a normie or a killjoy or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a normie or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Tim! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Too much information’ by The Planet Smashers to me.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a older song, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B'Loody Matt was standing there. “Hajimemashite bro.” he said happily (he spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese). “BTW Bandit that fucking normie got expuld. he failed al his klasses and he skepped math.” (an: eddie U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)

“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some based movies like Shrek 4ever after. “Maybe Bandit will die too.” I said.

“Kawai.” B’loody Mat shook hus head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after he got expuld I murdered him and den Mike Trooman ate him cause he’s a canibal.”

“Kawai.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with eliot tonight in Hogsmeade with rbf.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

B’Loody Mat Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In Zumiez, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Zumiez Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snapd up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B'Loody Matt are u a NORMIE?”

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” He laughed. “I found some cool sk8er stores near Hogwarts that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Elyut or Wonchop or Crabstickz(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Bning.” He sed. “Let me just call our broms.”

“OMFFG BING?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk.” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few sk8 stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN AARON EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few hawaiian shirts. “We only have these for da real rudeboiz.”

“Da real rudeboyz?” Me and B'Loody Matt asked.

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many normies ther are in this town man! Yesterday Mike Trooman and sammy paul tried to buy a checkered camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a blue and white hawaiian shirt that also had some aliens on it.

“Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B'Loody Matt.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s tom rud’boy checkers kalnoky RIDGE ska what’s yours?”

“D Dobz.” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf elliot you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Dan Layton flew in on his black broom looking worried. “OMFG TOMME U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!”

Chapter 17.

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a normie den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a normie or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz bandit isn’t rely a normie. eddie plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!


Dean Dobbs gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes just rly cool). Dan Layton kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. “WTF Dan Layton?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Bandit came. Hargird went away angrily.

“Hey bitch you look kawaii.” he said.

“Yah but not as kawaii as you.” I answered sadly cause Bandit’s really hansom and everything. He was wearing a Steven Universe t-shirt and dark blue hoodie and grey sweatpants and those dad shoes again that showed off how dilf adjacent he wuz. He had a really nice body wif all of his vitul orgins and everything. He was a pretty average body top.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Elliot?” he asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Wonchop.” he anserred happily. Well anyway Elliot and Wonchop came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Wonchop was wearing a black t-shirt that said ‘420’ on it. He was wearing no makeup jus like himself. Elliot was wearing black skinny jeans, a cool colorful hawaiian shirt and checkered Vans he got from da Warped tower. B’loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Hazey. Hazey used to be called Hazyl but it tuned out dat she was kidnapped at birth and her real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Hazul converted to Satanism and she went beatgirl. She was in Slitherin now. She was wearing a black Streetlight MAnifesto t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and regular hair wif no streekz in it. We kall her Hazyl now. Well anyway we al went 2 Elliot’s black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad [REDARCTED] gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Elliot and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking normies. We soon got there…….I gapsed.

Aaron was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had quiffed blak hair n nice eye color eyes eyes. He wuz really average build and he had n amazing voice. We moshed 2 Beer and sum odder songz. Sudenly Aaron polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Aaron at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Elliot. Elliot and I came. It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Tom, I told u to kill Crabstickz. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Elliot!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a british man flu in on his broomstick. He had mesy brown hair and a nonexistent bread. He wus werring a blu jumoer dat had ducks on it. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………BINNGE!

Chapter 18.

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken ormie! tysm 2 eddie 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a normie. tysm for muh sewter! ps da oder eson bning swor is koz he trin 2 be cool so der!


I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on no black eyeliner, no black eyesharrow, no blood-bed lipstick and another generic ska fan outfit. I was wearing some bracelets that my friends made me.

(Da night before Elliot and I rent back to the skull (the joke would be better if I kept Tom goffik). Bign chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was checkers all over it. Elliot had a colorful RBF boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Catch 22 song.)

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was other pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of normie bands everywhere, like Coldplay and Weezer.

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to B'Loody Matt and Bandit. B'Loody Matt was wearing a black t-shirt with a red hawaiian shirt, black jeans and black Vans. Bandit was wearing a teenage mutant ninja turtles shirt, grey hoodie, blue jeans, and the dad shoes a-fucking-gain. Crabstickz, Hazey and Elliot came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Tomas Kalnoky or John Feldman or Terry Hall. The girls joined in cause they were straight.

“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Hazyl was saying as suddenly a generic british man with an invisible beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal skin but he was wearing no foundation and he had not died his hare any color.

“……………….Bing?1!” we all gasped.

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!”

“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?”

Everyone from the normie table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a normie he was!1.

“BTW you can call me christopher.” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

“What a fucking poser!” Elliot shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Crabstickz looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a medically concerning way (there is no joke) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Bandit shouted.

I was so fucking angry.

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken normie n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 tysm 2 eddie 4m da help!11


All day we sat angerly finking about Biing. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da RBF concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Elliot was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his bron hare went in his big blue eyes like it wud if you moved a buncg. He was wearing black skinny jeans, a black RBF t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz i cant fockin spel) I was wearing a pink and orange hawaiian shirt with white shorts and tall socks and the same checkered Vans I wear like evry day. My hair was al spikd up in a messy way like Guy Fieri. (do not email me if u wana see da pik i do nut hav my email up)

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled.

“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You fucking bastard!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Elliot banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like when ppl who wear makeup cry (eddie that is soo our vibe!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

Suddenly Dan Layton came. He had appearated.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in mines’s room?”

Only it wasn’t just Dan Layton. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b D Dobz or maybe Elliot but it was Bing.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his black wanabe-rudeboi purse. “What are u wearing to the concert?”

“U no who RBF r!” I gasped.

“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of rudeboiz and beatgirls were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Elliot has a surprise for u.”

Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 tysm 2 eddie 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in rokview 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.


All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a RBF tee shirt, a red hawaiian shirt with yellow flowers all over, an guess what fuckign shoes. RBF were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I drank some water while I moshed 2 RBF in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Average Man. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Elliot so we could do it again.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Mike Trooman! “R u gonna cum make fun of me or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Bing told us all 2 be careful around hem and Samy Paul since he was a meaniehead.

“No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum napkinz.” he growld angrily.

“Yah, so u can steal my recipys, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some not eyesharow, no black eyeliner, and no black lipstick and no foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Sammy and Mike Trooman were in da middle of da empty hall, making just fuck iys, and Dobby was watching!1

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben hungry (I luv eating) but both of them were fuking normies. (btw Sarmu Paol is movd 2 griffindoor now)

“WTF is that why u wanted napkins?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Myke Trooman shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed.

“You dimwit!.” Smamie began 2 shoot angrily. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were coverend in sour cream and everything.

“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Bingus. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Crabstickz, looking extremely fucking hot.

“WTF where’d Elliot?” I asked him.

“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Crabstickz said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Jerma Irons had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed RBF420 on it. The one on da back said ‘TOM’ on it.

……….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. RBF were there, playing.

Crabstickz and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Aarorn was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Sell Out’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Elliot, cryin in a corner.

Chapter End Notes

Chapters 21 to 25: The Chosen One Is Chosened

Chapter 21.

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich edie cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz eddie tysm 4 da help. btw rokview rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da pool wer da guy jumped in!


Later we all went in the skull. Elliot was crying in da common room. “Elliot are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.

“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a upset way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would b mad at me.

“Its ok Tim.” said Crabstickz comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”

“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Elliot. Crabstickz came too.

“Elliot please come!” he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Crabstickz got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Bertie Gilbert there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw Pink come. e went unda da invisibility cloke and started to bork loudly.

“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Bertie Gilbert.

“No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Crabstickz said under his breast in a disgusted way.

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Bertie Gilbert. Den he heard Pink bork. “Pink is der any1 unda da cloak!” he asked. Pink nodded. And then……………………….Crabstikz frenched me! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Bertie Gilbert was taking of da cloak!1

“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Elliot crying n bustin in2 tearz and listening 2 emo musik outside of da school.

“Elliot!” I cried. “R u okay?”

“I guess though.” Elliot weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Elliot and I decided to watch Da Matriks (c isnt da cool) on the gothic red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1

Chapter 22.

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. berty gilbort itz eddie’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding eddie u fokieng rok prepz suk!1


All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing no pajamas. Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Matt, Crabstickz, Wonchop, Elliot, Hazey and Bandit!

I opened my crimson eyes. Bandit was wearing a blue t-shirt with kirbies all over it. Under that he wart black skinny jeans and those fuking shoes again. Crabstickz was wearing a baggy Mustard Plug t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Elliot was wearing a black RBF t-shirt and blak jeans and a jean jacket. He looked just likee Aaron Barrett, and almost as fucking sexy. Crabstickz looked like Matt Collyer. B'Loody Matt was wearing a Planet Smashers that he had ripped so it showed of his sholders with a white hawaiian shirt that said ‘bich’ and other swear words and RBF lyrics on it kind of like one shirt I had seen myself wear once. Muffingirl (who is Anna B) was there too. She was weaving a pink fluffy dress with lace all over it and a fluffy white top thing and pink cute boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Muffingirl, Wonchop, Ben Crashzoom and Kate Crashzoom’s dad was a Vampir. He died bc he wuz murdured. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”

“Tim something is really fucked up.” Elliot said.

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Elliot said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on no black eyeliner, no black lipstick and no eyeshadow and no foundation. Then I came. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Bnig. Boris Johnson was there shouting at Bing. Theresa May was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”



“Very well.” Bing said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Tom Rud’Boy Checkers Kalnoky Ska.”

Elliot, Ben Crashzoom, Kate Crashzoom, Muffingirl, Bandit, Crabstickz and B'Loody Matt looked at each other………I gasped.

Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 tysm 2 eddie 4 da help n telin me bout da boox boiu rok letz go shopin 2getha!


The door opened and Proffesor May and Boris Jonson stomped out angrily. Then Bningle and May sawed us.

“MR. SKA WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” May shouted angrily. Bing blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her. “She means hi everybody cum in!”

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Muffingirl and Elliot and opposite B'Loody Matt. Ben Crashzom and Kate Crashzoom started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like animation. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Crabstickz! He and Elliot were shooting at eachother.

“Crabstickz, Elliot WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Elliot at Crabstickz. “I want to shit next to her!1”

“No I do!” shouted.

“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Elliot.

“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Crabstickz. And then……………… he jumped on Elliot! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Big yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Crabstickz and Elliot stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort!

“Tomis…..tom…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Crabstickz as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Eliot too!”

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Elliot and Crabstickz came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Elliot while Elliot cried in a depressed way.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Tom Tom aure you alright?” asked Elliot in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Tim.” said Crabstickz all sensetive.

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”

“Its ok gurl.” said B'Loody Matt. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor DeuceDeuce about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.

Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 eddie fagz 4 di help!


Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Stacey about the visions.

“Konnichiwa everybody come in.” said Proffesor DeuceDeuce in Japanese. He smelled at me with his normal lips. He’s da coolest fucking teacher ever. He had short spiky borwnish reddish hair and existing eyes. (hiz mom woz a vampire. he’s also not Japanese so he speaks it 4 no rzn. he n b’loody mtt get along grate) he’s really young for a teacher. 2day he was wearing a generic black tshirt and jeans. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of himself. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black and white Polish with checkers on it.

“What is it Tom?” he asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Zumiez?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the normies who didn’t know what Zumiez was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

“Ho about now?” he asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK class fucking dismissed every1.” Proffesor Stacey said and she let every1 go. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other normies. “Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Elliot gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” she asked.

“I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram.”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Elliot. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black cool Save Ferris t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.

“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Proffesor DeuceDeuce.

“Bye bitch.” I said waving.

I went to Elliot and Crabstickz was sitting next to him. We both followed Elliot together and I was so exhibited.

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Charly 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 eddie tysm for de help!1


I was so excited. I fellowed Elliot wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Elliot’s black car.

“Tom what the fuck did Profesor Stacey say.” whispered Elliot potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Elliot put on some RBF.

“I know everything sucks yeah
I know everything sucks whoa.” sang Aaron’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak boxers and my black t-shirt. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

“OMFG Elliot Elliot!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Tom what’s wrong?” Elliot asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Elliot to call Crabstickz. He did it with his blak Sav Feris mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… [REDARCTED] and Jeremy Irons!111

Chapter End Notes


Chapters 26 to 30: Imagine Having A Plan That Made Sense. Couldn't Be Me

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11


A few mutates later Crabstickz came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black denim pants and a Less Than Jake t-shirt.

“Hi Crabstickz.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Elliot hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

“Oh fuck it!” Crabstickz shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!”

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Bnig.”

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Biing was sitting in his office.

“Sire are dads have been shot!” Elliot said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Tim had a vision in a dreem.”

Bign started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Tom’s not divisional?”

I glared at Bing.

“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Binng gasped (c is da toot of crakter). “U know very well that I’m not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Jerma and [REDARCTED]- pornto!”

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Elliot, Crabstickz and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Elliot to wait in the nurses office while Crabstickz went to take a nap in his room. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Jeremy and [REDARCTED] came in on stretchers……………………….and Proffesor DeuceDeuce was behind them!1

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u norniez fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 tysm 2 eddie 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u bro soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I ran out ov meds I had 2 go 2 da hospital reddie u rok boi!11111111111111111111


Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Eliot, [REDARCTED], Jerma bond Crabstickz all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

“Cum on Tim.” said Proffesor DeuceDeuce. He was wearing a plain gray tee shirt and blue jeans and some cumfertable lookin shoes. “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.”

I locked at [REDARCTED], Jaramy, Eliiot and Crabstickz. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor DeuceDeuce took out some black cards. He started to look into a black crucible ball. He said……………………… “Timis, I see drak times are near.” He said badly. He peered into da balls. “You see, you must go back in time.” He took out a Time-Toner like B'Loody Matt had. “When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Elliot and Crabstickz.

“Yeah what happened?” asked Muffingirl, Bandit and Boldy Matt?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating [REDARCTED] and Jeremy being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Elliot. They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Bning. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking normies were there oviously tring 2 be b rudboys wering the RBF mean fish on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Berty Gilbirt looked happy. A blak and white cake had been brought out. Ben Crashzoom and Kate Crashzoom set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises.

I put on my Invisibility coke with Crabstickz and Elliot and we sneaked outside 2gether.

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor stasy sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! tysm 2 fily 4 da help!1! eddie hav fun wif peach!1111111


We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of ska bands lik RBF, LTJ and The Interrupters all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Checkered velvit lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak t-shirt bar wif purple stuff on it, ripped jorts and a checkered hawaian shirt ontop.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Ellito and Crabstickz.

“Are you okay?” Crabstikz asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with checkers on it.

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Elliot also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time”

Elliot started to cry sadly. Crabstickz hugged him.

“Itz okay Tim.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?”

“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said.

We frenched sexily. Crabstickz looked at us longingly.

Then………… I took off Elliot’s RBF shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Crabstickz tattoo that said Tim on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Aaron Barrett. Crabstickz took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

“I love you Tpm. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Crabstickz filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly………………………….


It was………………………….SamMY PAUL and Profesor Dnnedgate!111

Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 eddie u rok bro tysm 4 da help RBF ROX 420!111111111111


“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Samie Pall and Professor Dnungate started to shoot at us angrily.

“CUM NOW!1!” Preacher Dungat yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Samy Pal garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

“Hey what the fuck!111” Crabstickz shooted angrily.

“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking caramel?” Elliot demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Binge noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da caramel!1111”

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Sammey Paule laughed meanly.

“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor Donegat. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Elliot started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tomas kalnoky rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as aaron ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz eddie sed so ok so fok u!1). Crabstickz took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then……………….. he and Samey Pal both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

“Crosio!” I shouted. Sammie Paoule stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor Dongait did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Samey I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Spamy started to laugh evilly. Crabstickz started to cry.

“It’s ok Tim.” said Elliot. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Samney Poule.”

Sammy Paul laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111

Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. tysm 2 eddie u rok bich!111


“No!11” we screamed sadly. Samney Pill stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then…………………… he came tords Elliot!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Elliot and nit a candle.

“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Sanney Pail laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his BUTT!11!

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

“U must stab Crabstickz.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll fard on Elliot!1”

“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded.

But den Elliot looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Scott Klopfenstein and Aaron. But then I looked at Crabstickz and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Elliot and Binge came and the tame where Elliot almost dyed and Crabstickz wuz so sportive.

Sabbey Paaul laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Elliot and Crabstickz. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Elliot and Crabstickz so they would destruct Sammy Paul.

“Bung will get u!” Elliot shooted.

“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Crabstickz yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Sakkey Payl yielded. He turnt aroud wif his pants of. Just as he was about to fard…………………….

“Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound. Dammy Paul scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Jerma. I stopped doing crucio.

“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Sammy Paul but suddenly Jermy came.

Sqmmg Pail put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello JermaI wuz just teaching them sumthing.” he lied. But suddenly [REDAKTED] and Profesor Stacey came in2 da room and they and Jeramy unlocked the chains and put dem around Szmy paul. Then Profesor Stacey said ‘Come on Tom let’s go.”

Chapter End Notes

Every time I replace Jeremy Irons with Jerma it fills me with great joy

Chapters 31 to 35: Back to The Future 420: Two-Tone Time Shifting

Chapter 31.

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin Tom a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 tysm 2 muh bff eddie 4 di help!1111


“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Jerema said 2 Sammy Paul.

“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Samny Pawl clamed.

“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Dammy Oaul. He made Dammy dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then [REDACTED] took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Fammy Iaul. Then Proffesor DeuceDeuce and [REDARCTED] made us get out wif them while Sammy Paul told his secretes. [REDARCTED] took Crabstickz and Elliot to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Stacey took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of RBF and Littlest Man Band were all over. B’Loddy Matt, Muffingirl and Bandit came too. B'Loody Matt gave me a blak bag from D Dobbs’ store.

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Stacey.

“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy loose floral colorful hawaiian shirt. It had yellow and orange flowers n green leaves. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on khaki shorts and rainbow checkered Vans Bandit had chosen. Bandit and Muffingirl helped me put on no makeup and lotsof hair gel.

“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B'Loody Matt said.

“Tysm.” I said.

“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Proffesor DeuceDeuce. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” He gave me a blak gun. I put it in a pocket in my kahkis like in vimeo gays. Then he gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” Proffesor Stacey said. Then she and B'Loody Matt put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Muffingirl and Bandit gave me deth’s touch sin. Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Chris Demakes only black. He had gren eyes like a guy with gren eyes and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was……………………James Dean1111

Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt games deean dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111


“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Tim Ska da new student.” I shok my pale handz wif their chekred noil polish wif him.

“Da name’s Dean.” he said. “But u kan call me Coolguy. Datz ma middle nam”

We shok hands. “Well come on we have 2 go upstairs.” Coolguy said. I followed him. “Hey Coolguy…… u happen to be a fan of Da Speshials?” (sinz RBF and goldfinger dont exist yet den) I asked.

“Oh my fuking god, how did u know?” Coolguy gasped. “actually I like madness a lot too.”(geddit coz madness did tht really 80s song our house)

“omg me too!” I replied happily.

“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” coolguy whispered.

“hogsment?” I asked.

“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000.” he told me all sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool shop called -“

Zumeez!” I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. “noo its Journeys. Wtf is a Zumiez” He smiled skrtvli again. “Is it really cool or.” he moaned.

“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me. “so is bing your princepill?” I shouted.

“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im in slitherin’”


“u go to this skull?”(geddit cos i have brain damage) he asked.

“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly bong flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short brown hair and was wearing a jumer from a sharity shop. “STUPID RUDBOYS!”

Coolguy rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us rudebois and punks just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not normies.”

I turned around angrily. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord.”

“wtf?” he asked angrily.

“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”

“hey where r u goin?” coolguy asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor Stacey’s classroom. ning wuz dere. “ving I think I just met u.” I said.

“oh yeah I rememba that.” bung said, trying to be all cool.

DeuceDeuce came in. “hey dis is my classroom wait wtf Tim what da hell r u doing?”

:”um.” I looked at him.

“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.”

“wth how?” I screamed forgetting he was a teacher for a second. but hes a neat dude so its ok.

professor DeuceDeuce looked sad. “um I was drinking voldemortserum.” he started to cry black tears of depression. ging didn’t know about them.

“hey r u crying tears of blood?” he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

“fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor Deucedeuce started crying again in hiz chair, sobbing limpid tears. “omfg Tim…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum.”


Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a nory so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 tysm eddie 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1


“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?”

“Hel no!” he said. “Lizzen Rom , I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Deam Dbobs 4 sum help?”

“Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Elliot was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak RBF tshit which wuz his panamas.

“Hey Sexxy.” I said.

“How’d it go Tim?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Aaron Barrett when hes talking.

“Fine.” I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

“How far did u go wif Coolguy?” Elliot asked jealously.

“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked.

“Will you hav to do it with him?” Elliot asked angstily.

“I hop not 2 far!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

“What happened 2 Sammy Paul?” I growled.

“U will see.” Elliot giggled mistressly. He opened a door……………Da,mmy Pail nd Myke Trooman werz there!11 Jerma waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Mike Trubamn bagged as Jeremy Irons started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Sammy Payl bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r mean nd Snap trid 2 fard on dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). We took sum of Samny Pau l blod den Elliot and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my cool blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a col outfit kinda like da 1 guy fieri haz in diers drive ina and dives. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some slibbers. Ekkiot put on ‘wher hav u been’ by RBF. Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

“Oh Elliot!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Elliot!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

“I luv u Tawm.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just normies nd posrs so FUK U!111 tysm 2 eddie 4 da help!1


I wook up in da coffin de next day. Elliot waz gone. I got up and put on a blu loose sexah shrt that ha d rickan d mort on it. There wuz a stain from sum hor sos on it. There wuz also some sour cream on it. I pot on white zocks and checkers sli p on vans. Suddenly…………………. Jerma cocked on da door. I hopened it.

“Hi Rom.” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor DeuceDeice’s office.”

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Elliot or maybe lessen to RBF or the Aquabatz. I came anyway.

“So what the fuck happened 2 Ssmmy Palu and Mike Trooman?” I asked JEremy flirtily.

“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

I laughed evilly.

“Where r Elliot and Crabstixkz?” I muttered.

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Jerrymander moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Sebenteen Agen.”

We went into da office. Proffesor DeuceDeuce was there. He was wearing a black tshirt kinda lik da one he wears in this pic

( no i’m not inserting a link) / He wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

He took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

“Tim, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” he said sadly. “Good luck. tysm!”

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Coolguy. On a table was a tall timeless man wif short brown hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like someone to b scard ov. I noticed……he was drinking a portent.

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Cicieraga.” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher…………..Tom?”

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Opperashun Ivy is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing Grondhog Day at da movies b4 dat.”


“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?”

Chapter 35. gost of u

AN: tysm 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of normiez!11111111 tysm 2 eddie 4 di help u rok bro!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 tysm.


I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Coolguy. Suddenly I gasped………………..Elliot wuz there!111

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Smosh Moth t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

“Elliot what da fuk r u dong!111111” I gosped.

“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Elliot. It was [REDACTED]!1 He stil had two arms.

“Oh hi [REDARCTED]!1” I sed. “Im Tom the new student lol we shook handz.”

“Yah Coolguy told me abot you.” [REDACTED] said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy twotone guyz. They where siting in a corner playin base. It wuz JErma, Crabstickz’s dad and………………Sommy Pqul! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Madness band shirts. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da operatio ivy show as back-up.


“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld xXBosstoneBitchesXx. I play teh gutter. Jaramy plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Scomy plays the boss. And Dan plays the guitar to even fo we call him NErdcubed, after him beign a nerd.”

“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. [REDARCTED] looked dawn sadly.

“We uzd to but she did. She quit bc we wor seggsizt.”

“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.

“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Nerdcubed said.

“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”

“Rilly?” asked Wammy. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b a rudboy!111

“Yeah were called Checkered Skaning Funtime 420. Do u wanna hr me sing?”

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) No Doubt.

“Sory im not hme right now im walking into pidierweba.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.

“Tome? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged [REDARCTED], Nerdcubed, JEremy and Samny.

“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”

“Yah.” they said.

“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked.

“I wil help u go frowad in tim Tim.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

Chapter End Notes

I literally wish the Marty McFly part was my idea but it's IN THE ORIGINAL jesus christ

Chapters 36 to 40: Things Get Very Meta Very Fast

Chapter 36.

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd tysm 2 eddie 4 di help!111 hav fun in amurica boi!11111


I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor DeuceDeuce. B’lody Matt, Socrates and Elliot, Crabstickz and Bandit were their to.

“OMFG Jerma I saw u nd Nerdcubed and Smamy PAu l nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Samw y Pal uzd 2 b goffik!111111”

“Yah I no.” Jeremy Irons said sadly.

“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Stacey said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.

Hi fuker.” I said. “Lizzen, Coolguy asked me out to a ska cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a ska band so I need an ootfit for that too.”

“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz hes gofik) gasped B’lody MAt. “Want 2 go to Zumiez to shop 4 ur outfit?”

“OMFS, letz have a groop terapy session!11” said Profesor Stacey.

“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first.” said Bandit.

“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Stacey so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Tim.” Elliot said resultantly.

“Well we have potions klass now.” Bandit said so let’s go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Samy PAul wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………boris Johnson!11111

“Hey where the fuck is Byng!111” Elliot shouted angrily.

“STFU!1” shooted Bpris Kohnson. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Qammy PauLl and Mike Trooman he is young and week he has brain wormz. “Now do ur work!111”

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

“Can you BELEVE Samy Paul used to be gottik!1” Crabstickz asked surprisedly.


He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Dan Layton in da cupboard.

“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Elliot. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly……………“DAN YAYTON WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.

I looked around…………….Fan Kayton wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Ellito and Crabstickz started 2 beat him up sexily.

“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Dan LAtyon. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111

Chapter 37.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF SEPTEBMBER SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. tysm!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 eddie tysm 4 da help c ya boi afta vocation!11



Crabstickz and I chaind Dam Latton 2 da floor.

“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Tim said. He wuz so hot. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Coolguy foll in love wif me faster!1”

“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tim,” said Crabstickz. “Why would u need it?”

“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Tim.

“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.

“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.

“Shut the fuk up!1” said Bandit.

“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Stacey’s room.”

Elliot, Tom and I went to Profesor DeuceDeuce room. But Profesor DeuceDeuce wasn’t there. Instead D Dobs was.

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a cool black t-short that said ‘420’ on da bak, blue jorts, tall white sockz and a green hawaiian shrt.

“OMG tysm!” I said hugging him in a rudeboy way. I took da clothes in da bag.

“OK Profesor DeuceDeuce isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Elliot. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor DeuceDeuce is away. He is too cool he is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Bong who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Thereza May.

“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11”

Suddenly Bong came.

“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Elliot and Crabstickz. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Cicierega’s efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif green marywanna leavs in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Cicierega!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket.

“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Cicerega.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Jerma, Nerdcubed and Samy were there practicing Ur Guts (I h8 em) by RBF.

“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Coolguy?”

“Oh he’s cumming.” said JEremy Itons. “BTW u can kall me Jerma985 now.” Suddenly Coolguy came. He was wearing a cool demnim Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Mighty Mighty Bosstones t-shirt and a blak tie.

“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Coolguy.

Chapter 38.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur kool or not!1111111


Coolguy and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif checkers all over it. On da license plate said 420 just lik Elliot’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Coolgui started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz bk it edgy), terapy, musik and being rudboiz.

“Oh my satan, Aaron Barett is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)

“Lol, I totally decided not 2 hav maladaptive coping mechanisms when I herd Beer.” I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Coolguy do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”

“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.”

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing Grondhog Day. In it a guy was in a wildass time loop like ME. Coolguy and I laughed at da chaos koz we’re sadists.

While Coolguy was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Coolguy’s skalisshus chekered vape sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blue aquabats bag. Coolguy turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif green weed leeevs ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

“OMG!111” Coolguy said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Tim gess what?”

I new that the amnesia had worked.

“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.”

“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Aaron Barrett!11 We frenched.

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.

“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the normies in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Coolguy and I loked so cute 2gether. Coolguy and I started to walk outside.

“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.

“Siriusly?” he gasped.

“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Coolguy started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.

“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Elliot and I had watched LTJ for the frist time. We went inside where Opparashun ive wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

“Enuf is enuf z enuf!1111” screamed Jessy on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Coolguy. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Scott Klopfenstein. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Jesy Michaels stopped singing.

“I wood like to peasant……………..xXBosstoneBitchesXx!11” he said. I ran onstage. [REDARCTED], Nerdcubed, Sammy and Jerma985 were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

“Den u put da 2 2gethr and u get a spektakulur spurise!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Tomas Kalnoky and a guy version of Gwen Stufany. Everyone clappd. Coolguygot an eructation. “U GOT DA DIFFERENT KINDES!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly [REDARCTED] started playing da song wrong by mistak.

“OMFG!1” yielded Nerdcubed. “Wut the fuck?”

“Woops im sory!” said [REDARCTED].

“You fuking ashhole!1” Nerdcubed shouted angrily.

“U guys are such prepz!11” Sommy said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”

“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Jerma985.

“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Nerdcubed.

“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Nerdcubed took out hiz nife.

“OMFG no!11” shouted [REDACTED] but it wuz 2 late Nerdcubd tried 2 shoot off his arm.

And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11

“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXSkaGuy420XXX.

AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this dude’s passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "normies."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Coolguy kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble rudeboy Mary Sue."

Coolguy sobbed. "I love you Tom."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'Loody Matt Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. He frowned when he realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Tom's lifeless body, he screamed. His face became pale with horror. He screamed for the healers, Bing, Dungate, and every single ska fan person he could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Tom. Everyone stared in shock. His body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly ska clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the people would normally wear in real life appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the rudeboy power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the real life people realized the true implications of becoming more life like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Chris and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Elliot and Matt Ley fled the scene and got married.



Down in hell, Tom shed a single tear because of his current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

He lost it all, but he knew he had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break him down.

He looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my rudeboy clothes?' He asked himself in confusion.

And then it occured to him...

For his shirt, he was wearing a black t-shirt with the ‘Supreme’ logo printed all over it, paired with a matching snapback. Below that, he was wearing baggy jeans with the "destroyed but I paid about $1000 for it" look on it. Paired underneath that were plain, unassuming white socks. And then Tom realized, on his shoulder, he was carrying a red and black plaid print bum bag with the words ‘Bros Before Hoes’ printed on it.

Tom supressed the urge to scream. Here he was decked out in clothes normie fuckboy to the extreme wearing stuff from Supreme, Balenciaga, AND Primark.

Panicked, Tom hastily tried to take off the Supreme t-shirt, but underneath it, there was another Supreme t-shirt underneath. Tom frowned, and looked under his shirt. All he saw was his chest, shaved as opposed to hairy in a manly way. Tom tried to remove the shirt again. But to his frustration, there was yet again another one to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Tom bellowed out to the air. He failed to see the irony in his statement, how hypocrytical his words were, seeing as he was practically calling the kettle black here.

Tom popped some antidepressants and mumbled to himself, "Jfc."

/End Crap Fic.

AN// Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this dude had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here:

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in amurika until lik oktober so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. tysm 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 RBF RULEZ 420!111


I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special chekered coffin. Dan Layton wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Crabstickz and Elliot had bet him up. Bertie Gilbert was cleaning the room.

“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Crabstickz yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.

Sudenly………. [REDARCTED], Profesor DeuceDeuce and Jerma came! B’lody Matt and Crabstickz were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

“OMFG Tim ur alive!111” Scremed Crabstickz. I hugged him and B’lody Matt.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.

“Tim u were almost shot!11” said Jeremy. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”

“But tysm anyway!1” said [REDARCTED] holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

“OMG I cant beleve Crabstickz dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Sanny Paol wuz pozzesd by himself bak den.” said Dan.

“Yah he wuz a spy.” Jerma said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said [REDARCTED]. “He didn’t even realy no hu LTJ were until I told him.” Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 420s (there wuz a dvd of 17 again in it) on it when I gasped. Berty Gilirt looked up angrily coz he h8ed rudboiz.

“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Elliot?” I asked gothikally.

“No Elliot told me he wood be watching Sublime.” said Profesor Stacey. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1”

I got up upsettally. [REDARCTED], JErma and Profesor DeuceDeuce left. I wuz wearing a black n white checkered t-shirt. Under that I had on a rick n morty boxers, with matching rick and mortey sloppers and soks with pugs on dem (if u don’t get da idea donot massage me jus believ me). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak RBF t-shirt (like in the egirl video), a ripped black skinny jeans and vance shoes. I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody matt, Bandit and Crabstickz.

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Bandit.

“We can go c Sublime wif Elliot!1” giggled Crabstickz.

“Letz go lizzen 2 RBF and smoke an weed 420!11” said Mattley. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Elliot wuz there eating a justfiuck it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 420 on da front and baggy jeanz.

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.

“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Crabstickz angrily as he took out his blak gun.

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Elliot sadly as he putdown his food.

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Bandit trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran upsettily to my room I sexily took a steak out.

“Tim no!11111” screamed Elliot but it wuz 2 l8 I had taken a bite suddenly everyfing went blak again.



The-Actual-Author-Who-Is-Having-Way-Too-Much-Fun-Doing-This :3

A.K.A. Just a memer with rocks for brains.

Chapter End Notes

Chapter 40 in the original fic is basically the second half of Chapter 39. I’m not editing that shit again <3

Chapters 41 to 44: The Most Blue Ballsy Cliffhanger Ever Conceived

Chapter 41.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu aron baret is ur proly al normiez and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in ogost and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG eliot iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new hashtag content!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by aarron barett lol he hsud replace elliot. if u flame ill doa big cry!!!!!!!!11 eddie u rok boi hav fun in amerika.


When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif xXBosstoneBitchesXx!!!!!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!! On da wall wuz a pik of Goldfinger!!!1111 (just imagin dat they r an 80s ska band 2 ok koz they r more old den we da onion or RBF) der wuz also a blak n wite ska femed Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’

“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly. Suddenly Coolguy(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11

“OMFG Tim r u ok.” He asked skalishusly.

“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Nerdcubed’s gun. I also rememberd cing Elliot eating a jus fuk it wif Sammy!!!!111

I guessed dat when I had eat a stake I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

“No ur not dead.” Coolguy reassured cooly as he smokd a weed bunt sexily and smoke came all over his face. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Chris’s dad is doing.”

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. “WTF!!!! Dan almust shot [REDACETED]!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that Nerdcubed had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.

“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Coolguy reasoned evilly.

“I guess that’s ok.” I said because Dan hadn’t really shot [REDARCTED]. Also I noo that [REDARCTED] wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Coolguy. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi skolishos bi guy!!!!!11 He had short dork hair wiv no streaks and he wuz wearing no blak iliner, a blak suit, blak fancy shoes and black suit pants. He diidnt mov. “....” He sed all silently and unspeaking.

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

“Dis is…Matthew Perry!!!!!!!!!11 da Cardboard Kutout!!!!!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

“Hey Matthew.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

“...” He answered but then he fell ovr bcos ther was wind. He was silint

“Bye.” I sed all sexily.

“Dat was Matthew Perry the Cordbord Kutout. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Coolguy said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a silvr gerenik cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!!).

“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Maffew. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”

[REDARCTED], Nerdcubed, Jerma and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. [REDARCTED] woudnt talk wiv Nerdcubed because he had tried 2 shoot him.

“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Elliot is never gong 2 b frends with Crabstickz now!!1”

“Yah go fuck urself Nerdcubed!” Sammy Paul agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt NErdcubed had almost shot [REDARCTED].

“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Crabstickz’s dad wood never die and “OK Coolguy and Mathew Pery, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.

“Kool.” said Jerma as Voldemort and Mathew Perie started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Nerdcubed, Jerma, Xammy and [REDARCTED] all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Sammy Paul was bi.

“...!” screamed Matthew as his cordbord touched Voldemort’s.

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame………………Bong and Mr. Bertie Gilbert!!!!111111111111

Chapter 42. da blak parade

AN: omg da new bideo iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111. I fink dat sommy will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both kewl so dat will explain y he kild ning and he hated chris!!!!!1111 nd den chris wil have 2 die so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111 omg I hope Elliot nd Chris get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic [meta moment - actual authors note. kinda based take ur so right bestie JRK sucks]!!!!!111111 tysm 4 da help wiv facts, peashy u rok!!!111


I sat depressedly in Bung’s office wiv Mathew Perie, Coolguy, Nerdcubed, Jerma, Sammy and [REDARCTED]. Bing was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song.

“What da hell is this anyway??” he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.

“Whatever u do don’t blame Rom, u jerk.” Coolguy said.

“Yah, siriusly he was trying to get Coolguy and Kordbord Matthew Perry back together.” Jerma said deviantly.

“Be quiet you Satanists.” Bing cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.” He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Bing didn’t notece.

“You fucking poser.” I muttoned.

“I bet you’ve never herd of Mad Caddies.” Nerdcubed said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11

“Shut up NErd!!!” [REDACTED] shouted.

“Yeah shut up!!!!” Samyy said preppily.

“No u shut up Ging!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom.

“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Bing spuriously.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was……..Coolguy.

“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Bing wisely as we went.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Coolguy. I was wearing denim jorts with hotdog sox, a sexy blak RBF shirt and blak vans with green weeds on dem. My earrings were nonexistent and my brown hair was spikkey.

“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.

“Dis is da future. Bing’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him.

“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered.

“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.

“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.

“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.

“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled.

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

“OMG you’re fucking alive!” said Zoella wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a kool Catch 22 shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.

“Konichiwa, bitch.” said Bandit. He was wearing a red t-shirt showing off nothing with bimeo gays characters on it. With it he waz wearing a loos jeens, dad shoos, no foundation, no eyeliner, no eyeshadow, and no lipstick.

“Hey, motherfucker.” Said Wonchop with his red hair. He waz wearing a black I voted 4 kodose t-shit and blak baggy pants.

“Hey whose that, Eom?” B'Loody Matt questioned as he walked in wearing a black t-shit with avencer tyme caracters, blak skinny jeens, and black converz.

“Oh its Coolguy.” I told him and he nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Coolguy started to cry.

“Are you okay Coolguy?” we asked concernedly.

“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked.

“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.

“Ok.” He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Wher Hav U Ben by RBF on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Wonchop a signal to keep Coolguy occupied. Coolguy fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor DeuceDeuce ran in!!!!!!!1111 He was wearing a plane gray t-shirt, blak swetpanz, and red converse shoes. He was wearing NO blak iliner.

“Oh my fucking god, where’s Elliot!!!!111 How did Samey get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.

“Tom I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire. Sammy Paul came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student.” Stacey said reassuredly.

“That bitch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Dan Layton and Mike Trooman?” I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.

“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Bing is back Bros Jonson is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!!!!!!” Stacey said worriedly.

“OK. But where’s Ellyot???? How cum he was eatign with Sanny Pill?????”

“I dunno why but I know he almost tried dide after he saw u almost dye.” she said.

“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped. Coolguy was still asleep, so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.

“Good luck Tim!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking normies Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.

“No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.

“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Sammy Paul and Trooman had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Kordbord onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Crabstickz Kendall. “OMG Crabsticks!!!!111” I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky brown hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a big d an da kids tabul concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Aaron from RBF than ever. (did u hear der song she haz a gf now it rox!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Crabstickz.

“I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”

“Where’s Elliot?” I asked spuriously.

“Elliot? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?” Crabstixcks snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.


“I’ll do it den.” Chris said angstily.

“OK.” I argreed. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared.

“Oh my fucking satan!!!!!” Chris shouted.

“I fink Voldimort has arrivd.” I sed anxiously. “Fuck, I have to find Elliot!!1 I guess we shood separate.”

“Ok.” Crabstickz sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

Chapter 43.

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. tysm 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111 if u flam den fukk u!!!111


I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Elliot was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 420 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had ben crine!!!!!111 I felt mad at him for having foodwith Sammy Paul but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Aaron Barrett with his red eyes and his pale white face.

“Elliot are you okay????” I asked.

“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly. I thought of a rrandom RBF song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.

“Oh Elliot why did you do it with that fucking bastard Sammy Paul?” I asked teardully.

“I-” Elliot began to say but suddenly Mik Trooman and Mr. Bertie Gilbert appearated in2 da room!! They didn’t see us.

“Im so glad we me and Sammy Paul were freed.” said Mike Trooman.

“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Bertie Gilbert argreed.

“Pop addelum!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

“Noooooooo!!!!1” Muke Trioman shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Bertie Gilbert ran away.

“You fukking meany.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!”

“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Mike Trooman. Suddenly Coolguy and Crabstickz ran in2 da room. Crabstikzx didn’t know who Coolguy was really.

“Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!!1” Crabstickz said. I looked sexily at Elliot with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 420 on it and pale skin like Aroon Barrett, Crabstickz with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Chris Demakes and Coolguy who looked jist like Chuck Robertson then.

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then….. I began frenching Elliot sexily. Mike Trooman gasped. Elliot began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Crabstickz took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my hawaiian shirt, my jorts and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im scared of guns lol. “Oh mi satan!! Elliot!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Chris. I began making out wiv Coolguy and he joined in. “OMS!!!111” cried Crabstickz. “Oh Crabstickz! Crabstickz!!!” I screamed screamed. “Oh Coolguy!!!!!” yelled Chris in pleasore. Mike Trooman watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly……………………………..

………….a big blak car that said 420 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Sannie Paul wuz in it!!!!!!!11

Chapter 44.

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 crhris kendall is so hot lol i hop Chris wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!!!!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.


“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Elliot angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz………….Sammy Paul!!!!!

“I shall free you Mike Trooman but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads.” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us. “Tom Rud’boy Checkers Kalnoky Ska must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!!!!”

“You fucking normie!!!” yelled Elliot. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u, Tom. Sammy Paul made me eat with him. I waznt rly hungry but he was mean!!!!”

We all put our clothes on quickly except Coolguy. We were so scarred!!!!1 But Coolguy didn’t change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111

“I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room.

“No plz don’t kill us!” pleaded Crabstickz. Suddenly Bandit, B'Loody Matt, Wonchop, Zoella, Hazey, Dan and Phil, Dan Layton, Chloe Dungate, Bong, Jerma and [REDARCTED] all ran in.

“What is da meaning of dis?” Bung asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos Bink is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

“Oh my goth!” Neil Cieicierega gosped. (ther is no joke)

“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Sammy Paul ejaculated menacingly.

“You fucking preppy meanies!” Jerma shouted angrily.

“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” screamed Chris but da sparks from his wand only hit Elliot’s car. It fell down Sammny Paul quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me eatin a jus fuk it, the video of me kissign Elliot and the video of a silly dog wuz on it

“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton.” He laughed meanly.

“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u eatign with Mike Trooman!!!!11”

“Whats she talking abott??????” Mik Trooman slurped as he sat in chains.

“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Chris shouted angrily.

“Shut up!!!111’” Frueman roared.

“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.”

“Think again you fucking muggle poser!!!!!1” Chris yelled and then he and Wonchop and Hazey both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one.

“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly.

“Acco Hazey’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Hazey’s wind was in his hands. “Now I shall kill thee all and Tom u will die!!!!!!!!11111”

He maid lighting come all over da place.

“Save us Tom!” Bung cried.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and hav grupe terapy with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Elliot but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.

“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.

Chapter End Notes

So, we have come to the end of... Whatever the fuck this was.
If anything, for me, it was a creative writing exercise. A stupid one, but one that exists in a way we can't ever get back. Hungover me was an evil genius.
I really wish My Immortal had a real end so Tom Rud'Boy Checkers Kalnoky Ska could have a satisfying conclusion, but alas, he cannot.
Thanks for reading if you did - or didn't - and do with this fic as you will.
Peachy OUT.


End Notes

I'm not sorry.